"DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU?"

For years I wondered, how come I never hear from my friends? No one ever calls me! My home and business numbers are the same, and yet only my long-time clients and people I DON'T want to hear from are the only ones who call!
I get most of my business through word-of-mouth, but that's a long slow process. One day while making small talk with the wife, I ask her why she thinks I don't have more business, how come new people never call? She says "Maybe it's because you keep forgetting to hand out your cards at parties, or other social events....Or maybe it's because our phone is unlisted." "Oh come on, you know how much I value our privacy." She shakes her head and says, "Then why do you use our number for business? Why are you always complaining that no one ever calls??" I had no answer, she was right, it was like opening a pizza parlor and having an unpublished number, I was an idiot.
I hang up from the phone company with a feeling of accomplishment and anticipation. I can't remember the last time I saw my name in the phone book!..I wonder when it comes out? Now I wait. A half hour goes by, an hour, an hour and a half. Then it rings, "Hi honey, did you do it?" It's the wife. "Yes, it's exciting, but I've been waiting for a couple of hours and so far, you're the first caller." Then her mommy stuff starts surfacing, "Now come on Big Bob, no one knows you're listed yet, give it a chance." Just then, I get a beep from my call waiting. "Hold on Hon, I've got another call." when I get back, I tell her we were just approved, over the phone for a credit card. Another beep, now they want to give us a free estimate on cleaning our gutters and drains. By the time our conversation was over, we were offered two more pre-approved credit cards and were told that "You, Bob Paiva, are already a winner of a valuable prize and are eligible to win the GRAND PRIZE, all you have to do is come to Florida for the drawing!”
Now the deluge of calls never seems to stop. From morning 'til night! "We want to be your fuel oil company" or "If your chimney is dirty, for only $39.95, we'll come to your house and clean it for you!" "Okay, give me the $39.95 and you can clean the whole house for all I care." They hung up! Another call, now another guy wants to clean my gutters. He hangs up after I tell him to get his mind out of the gutter!
Before long, we go from a fairly normal social life, to one that has people taking a number like they do in the Butcher shops. There's a pathway worn into our carpeting from all the insurance people, carpet cleaners, kitchen resurfacing sales force and the guy from the "We want to be YOUR Oil company" leaves in a huff when I question him about charging ME for fuel, as it's supposed to be MY Fuel company. I wouldn't charge me. Boy did he have foul mouth after I FIRED HIM!
Now I've always been a "PEOPLE" person, but that's about to change. I'll be installing one of those "SKEET SPRINGS" so whenever anyone rings our bell and we don't want to talk to them, one of us will yell "PULL!" Also we'll be contacting the government and find out if we're eligible for the "JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!"