"DADDY-MAN!"

What is it with us men? We develop an interest in the opposite sex while we're knee deep in pre-adolescence. Only we're too young to figure out how to deal with these urges. So when we see a girl we like, how do we let her know? By throwing things at her, calling her names, and pulling her hair. And if we really like her, we let her know by sitting across from her in the school cafeteria, filling our mouths with food and playing "look". At that age, we're so dumb that we think that their "E-E-E-W" is a sign of approval!
Then as we come bursting through our pimples and grow into adolescence, and our hormonal changes start us on our trek toward maturity, we begin to realize that we were doing it all wrong, and replace those previous tactics by carrying her books, walking her home from school, and buying her flowers. Instinctively we know that under all those zits, awaits a thing of beauty. We now begin to realize the meaning of that saying "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar". Nay, these are not flies! They are more like BUTTERFLIES, bursting forth from their CLEARASIL cocoons, and if we've learned anything we will tell her that she's beautiful. We will compliment her hair. We will start the courting process by taking her to dinner and NOT playing "LOOK"!
If we haven't found our "partner-for-life" by the time we get out of college, we're forced to go through that SINGLES BAR, "Hi do you live around here?...Do you come here often?...What sign are you?"...mating ritual thing!
If we follow the game plan set for us by some unseen weirdo who implants all of these statistics in our heads, through the use of EMBRYONIC-BRAIN-BRANDS, we will marry, have 2.5 children and buy a split level or cape in the Burbs. We will own two cars, a mini-van and a late model four door. (Two door models or sports cars are a no-no until the kids are out of high school!) And you will probably be a two-income family!
Here are some stats they don't tell you about: Once you are a home owner and a father, you are expected to become DADDY-MAN! Being DADDY-MAN is an important job. It means that you are all things to all of those within the confines of your family. It means that you are now in charge of rubbish removal, lawn care, home repair, and winterizing the house, to name a few!
We hear, "Hey Mom, the toilet's overflowing again. Wait, I know what to do, I'll call DADDY-MAN!" There were no "DADDY-MAN" courses in college. Instead, you'll be expected to be taking those early evening DO-IT-YOURSELF classes at HOME DEPOT! Especially after experiencing the trauma of your first PLUMBERS bill!
As the children continue to grow, things are constantly changing. Then one day you experience a sort of strange metamorphosis just as you're becoming comfortable with your paternal role. You wake up one morning to the sound of children screaming at your feet. They move away from you and don't want you to touch them. You look down seeking out the source of what's frightening them. Oh no! There it is....It's my foot! A combination of little claws and miniature cobble stones are replacing my toenails....Oh my God, I'm developing DADDY TOES! "EAGLE TALONS!" And the bottoms of both feet, have the consistency of roofing shingles! Oh Lord, now the further evolution of DADDY-MAN is kicking in and I'm doing that "Opening the top button on my trousers" thing, signaling the end of a good meal. Oh no, I've just called my pants TROUSERS. I've never done that. They were always pants, never TROUSERS! And now I've incorporated that PULL-MY-FINGER Daddy ploy into my daily routine! I'm actually going around conning my kids and their little friends into pulling my finger and when they protest at the result, I further insult their intelligence, by telling them that in some parts of the world, what I just did is considered a compliment! My kid says, "Oh yeah, why don't you tell that to the EPA when we turn you in?!"
There are times when it's not too advantageous to be DADDY-MAN. Like when you take those long rides to the cabin, or Grandma's house. As you're driving and trying to concentrate on the road, World War III is going on behind DADDY-MAN'S throbbing head. "Give me that. Mom said I could play with it!" "I wanna sit behind Daddy now. Mommy said I could!" "Are we there yet?" "Hey Dad, why is that red light flashing behind us?" "Yes I know Miss Officer, Ma'am! I couldn't help weaving in and out of traffic. The kids had their hands over my eyes so that I couldn't see them as they tried to pry a lollypop out of my hair. No I guess it wasn't very nice of them to make faces and obscene hand gestures at you. Well, hello! I thought you looked familiar. Yes I think I did sit across from you in the cafeteria. Yes I did play "look", and I grossed you out all through Junior High? I'm so sorry. Now that I'm an adult, I don't do those things anymore! Well nice to see you again after all these years. Thanks for the ticket and you have a nice day too!"
Our kids are very squeamish, and the wife and I don't believe in spankings, so whenever we wanted to keep our kids in line, we each took a mouthful of food, tapped them on their little shoulders and played "LOOK"! Ooh did they hate that! And "DADDY-MAN" strikes again....