THE FAMILY TRIP

My life is a little too structured, but I do have these occasional explosions of spontaneity. So last September, when I came into the house and announced that we were going on a FAMILY TRIP upstate to see the leaves change into their autumn hues and maybe stop off to do some pumpkin and apple picking, the wife first sniffs my coffee cup to see if I've been into the hard cider. After realizing that I was of sound mind when I made this impulsive proclamation, she says, "The heck with the house work!" and soon we're heading north in the Cherokee!

"Where are we going, Dad?" asks the daughter. "Don't really know" answers the father. "We'll just keep heading north, take the back roads and see where they take us." My wife joins in the conversation with, "Isn't that kind of risky, honey?" "Maybe", I answer, "But so is anything worth anything in life." "Spare us the philosophy, Dad, and just keep driving!"
Now I'm parked on the side of the road. "Yes, officer, it is a lovely day." "No, I wasn't going to a fire." "No, I wasn't aware that the speed limit within the city is 15 miles per hour... in fact I wasn't aware that this was a city!" "No, I guess going five miles over the limit isn't very funny and no, I don't think that I'm Mario Andretti!"

"Daddy, why did he give you five traffic tickets?" "Answer her, Mario Andretti", the little woman chides. "It was bad enough when Dear Old Dad, asked him how Opie and Aunt Bea was, but when he called the officer "Barney Fife" he was lucky to get off with just FIVE citations!"

As we drive around, my wife suggests that maybe we should've waited a week or so, as the leaves are still green and we could've purchased a map of the area so we wouldn't be lost now. As far as I was concerned, we were on an adventure, and we weren't lost! My daughter said "Dad, there's no more road left, we're LOST!" I told my daughter that when you own a JEEP you make your own roads. She bought that until I ran over an animal trap of some kind while driving through the woods.

After changing the flat, I finally made my way back to a road and eventually found a little town with a diner. We all make up for lost time in the rest rooms, go back to our booth and order our food. We were so hungry we could've beaten out the Tasmanian Devil in a pie eating contest!

Well fed, we're beginning to get back to being ourselves, turning negatives into positives by laughing at the day's experiences. However, we are having to shout at each other in order to be heard. We soon discover the reason. The roar of over a dozen Harley's pulling into the diner's parking lot.

Soon the door bursts open and the diner's filled with Bikers! This six foot eight bearded building wearing a studded denim vest, over a way too small tank top is headed our way. Every one of his steps vibrates the glassware on our table. This is a man who samples every one of the major food groups on an hourly basis. In my mind the words "fee-fi-fo-fum" are accompanying each of his steps. If he comes over to our table, I won't let him intimidate me. I'll be a man and stand nose to nose trading insults like we used to do in New York City! I'll look him in the eyes and say things like, "If you eat a salad once in awhile, Tiny, maybe your belly would stay inside your jeans where it belongs!" Or, "Try putting some vowels to those grunts, and who knows, maybe you could actually form words!"

He stops at our table. I stand, the girls watching....I extend my hand and say, "Hi, my name is Bob, I love the vest!" He shakes my hand and smiles, then says "My name's Henry, this is my place and I see by that baby-size spare on your Jeep that one of my animal traps must've eaten your tire! I can't apologize enough. I have a couple of my guys setting you up with a full size tire from my gas station next door. Sorry about the inconvenience. The meals on me and as soon as they have the new tire on your Jeep, they'll escort you to the thruway so you can get home."

On the way home my daughter says, "It wasn't a total loss, Dad. The trees may not have turned colors yet, but your face sure did...several times as a matter of fact!"