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It was a mid-August Sunday morning, many years ago, when the Paiva family (me, the wife, daughter and mother-in-law) were sitting around the breakfast table reflecting on all of the things we'd managed to accomplish in the short nine months since moving into our new home. We'd installed a fireplace, paneled, painted the outside, landscaped, etc. There we were, sipping our coffee, still finding it hard to believe that we were "LAND BARONS!"
The wife and I are dreaming out loud as to how we could add rooms upstairs, enclose a portion of our patio to keep out the little beasties (Ah, yes! No more bugs in our burgers, ant-free corn on the cob, no floating gnats in our diet drinks!). We were intoxicated with the glee and merriment of new homeowners! There's no stopping us now; we'll build over the garage! I'm going mad, I tell you, mad!! But, however, after every statement, the elder statesman, the mother-in-law, breaks in with, "But won't that increase our taxes?!?", temporarily bursting our bubbles. But not for long! We can increase our hallway by extending our stoop, and install those long stained glass windows that we admired. Again she chimes in with, "But doesn't that cost a lot of money?" Now I inform the mother-in-law that there are two things of mine that you don't mess with...."My food"...and "My dreams".... and if she continues to do so, I will install a skeet-shoot-spring under her chair and yell "PULL!" So she throws out my food and raps me in my dreams with a wooden spoon.
At this point our daughter was bored stiff and asked if she could be excused and go play in the yard. "Sure honey, maybe mommy and daddy will come out and join you", figuring that the wife and I can do our dreaming outside, plus it'll give us the opportunity to survey the back forty of the "PAIVA-ROSA!" (Forty feet, not acres.) It will also give me a chance to stick the mother-in-law with the breakfast dishes and nurse the bump she gave me on my head!
I tell the wife how, if we use bi-fold doors and piano hinges, we could enclose the patio area, and fold it up in the winter when it's not in use. "As a matter of fact, why can't we use piano hinges on barn dormers upstairs, and fold them down when their not in use!" I ranted. Now my wife is looking at me as if I'm flirting with euphoric insanity. And from the kitchen window, the mother-in-law is bellowing, "The man is bonkers.... he’s trying to turn our beautiful house into a camper!" To tell you the truth, she was right. Even Rube Goldberg would agree with her on that one. Now more noise is emanating from the back window. "Why don't you come back to reality?" I answer the noise with, "Because reality costs too much! And besides, I'm a thinker...a creative person!" She fires back, "If you're so creative, why don't you figure out a way to fix our cracked stoop?" Here I am chasing windmills, and she's sending me to the store for a can of peas! My wife, the peacemaker, interrupts with, "My mom has a point. You're making all these plans, let's see what you can do with the stoop." I said, "What, me work with cement?...What do I know from cement?" But, they want the stoop fixed?..I'll get the stoop fixed. I spent the next day on the phone talking to contractors, trying to get estimates over the phone. The same question kept popping up. "How many square feet are we talkin' about?" they'd inquire. "How the heck do I know?" I'd respond. The only thing I knew about square feet was that Herman Munster had them on the end of his legs!
"Well Pal, I can't tell ya how much it'll cost, if I don't know how large your stoop is." I responded with, "Can't you give me a ballpark figure?" "It depends Pal. Are we talkin' Ebbets Field or Yankee Stadium here? I tell ya Johnny, there's no way'a tellin' ya over the phone! I gotta come see for myself!"
Soon the parade of contractors began. Dented, beat-up, vintage Buicks, Oldsmobiles and Chevy's...all with ladders strapped to their roofs, were pulling up to my door nightly. Men in work clothes, carrying clipboards, were throwing all kinds of numbers at us. "Well Mack and Mrs. Mack, it's gonna run ya anywhere from fifteen hundred to three thou to replace the stoop" they'd inform us. "And how much to just repair it?" we'd ask. "Fifteen hundred to three thou!" they'd fire back. Then the guy would look at me and say, "Look Mack, this aint 'Let's Make A Deal', and I aint 'Monte Hall'! Take it or leave it! I got plenty of work. I wouldn't be able to start work on your stoop until the beginin' of next summer anyway!"
I said, "This doesn't look like a 'LOVE CONNECTION', so why don't you do your talkin' walkin'?" (To myself) What I really said was, "Ya know 'MACK', being that you have so much work, I wouldn't want to add to your burden 'PAL' so THANKS but NO THANKS!"
I'm not the type that gives up easily and I fancy myself as somewhat of a bargain hunter, so I call up the guy who installed our fireplace and ask if he knew somebody! Not only did he know somebody, he said HE could do it, but first he asked "How many square feet?" (Again with the square feet) To which I replied, "Please don't ask me that question, I'm getting a headache!"
Twenty minutes later, a brand new car pulls up, he gets out wearing designer clothes and carrying a leather bound Gucci clipboard. He sizes up the situation, then informs me that he'd remove a portion of the existing stoop, apply a new surface and when he was done, it'll be a new stoop. He can begin work on it tomorrow and complete it in just two days and all for the price of THREE HUNDRED BUCKS!"
I gave him a deposit, we said our good nights and he left. I couldn't wait to get inside and gloat to the girls. A new stoop for three hundred smac-a-roos!
The two days he promised, turned into six weeks of driving up to an incomplete structure that was encased in what looked like the worlds largest sandwich bag (like who knew cement could go stale?), dry concrete footprints on our oriental carpet, plus several un-returned calls to the contractor.
On the first day of the seventh week we came home to discover that the clear plastic had been removed, and what was once a straight, but cracked stoop, had been transformed into the "Leaning-stoop-of Paiva!" My wife looked on in horror, but my daughter loved it. She thought we had built her her own custom made three-tiered slide! My mother-in-law looked at me and laughed then suggested we call the Olympic committee and rent it to them as a practice slope for down hill racers. With egg on my face, I called to complain only to find out that his phone had been disconnected and that he was out of business.
The moral of this story is, look for the contractors with the dented cars... they build straighter stoops! I gotta go now, it's starting to rain and I have to glue those little rubber flowers you put in the bathtub, on my steps. I wouldn't want anyone to slip and hurt themselves!
One of my favorite forms of entertainment is shopping. I just found out that my wife DOESN’T like to shop! She’s got a closet full of shoes that says otherwise. It’s like I’m married to a centipede! THE WOMAN HAS SHOES!!!
So if you have all of these shoes and you don’t like shopping, where are they coming from, elves?? Geppetto?? She says, “Duh! I shop on line. I don’t like malls, they’re much too crowded!” I said, “You could’ve fooled me.” It turns out that after all these years, I’m the one who likes to shop at malls! She’s just tagging along!! I said, “Crowds never bother me!” She said, “It’s no wonder! Look at you... you’re built like a room divider! You just plow through them, or they see you coming and they move out of the way!”
Let me tell you something… the minute we enter a mall, she makes a bee-line to the shoe stores! Knowing that I don’t like to go in them, she hands me her bag (but not before taking out her credit cards!) and goes in. Now the first time she left me HOLDING THE BAG, I felt sort’a self-conscious, until I noticed other guys standing around holding handbags, too. At first I didn’t make eye contact, but what the heck… we all seemed to have something in common and before you know it we’re not only talking, but we begin comparing our wives handbags. “Is that leather??” “No, it’s pleather!” “Really! It sure looks like leather”. Pretty soon we’ll be trading recipes! Look at this..male bonding over ladies accessories! What’s next, showing each other our operation scars??And another thing…so how come if she doesn’t like malls, she has her own rating system?? She rates each mall by the number of shoe stores they have. Okay, can somebody explain this to me?? To phrase it like Seinfeld….”WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE SHOES?? You only have two feet!! I have two pairs of sneakers, two pairs of dress shoes, and two pairs of boots and have to put them under the bed because she’s confiscated my part of the closet and turned it into a SHOE CONDO!! Do the math honey, all those shoes and only two feet! I don’t think that I’ve married an Alien.
Ladies, listen to BIG Bad Bob..PULEEZE! If you’re trying to impress your men……The last thing in the world we’re looking at IS YOUR FEET!!!
THANKS FOR ALL THE LAUGHS GEORGE!! Jun 23, 2008 I woke up this morning to the terrible news of the passing of George Carlin. This man was, and still is one of my inspirations to write comedy. I know some of you didn't like the seven words you can't use bit that he did, but he was MUCH MORE THAN THAT! He was a trailblazer and courageous in comedy. Some of you might not know that he abandonded his traditional slick stand up that he did in clubs and Vegas, and took a leap into a new form of comedy that appealed to the younger, hipper rock and roll set! Off came the suit and tie, tuxedo and on on went the t-shirt and jeans. It was risky, but he made it happen big time!!
Before he made his conversion, even his earliler routines were classics...."The Hippy-Dippy Weatherman" for one, but that wasn't enough for him. He definitely wanted to push the envelope! He did, and we're better for it!
He was a thinking man's comic. He showed the world that it takes brains to do comedy. His oxymoron bit, was a classic..."JUMBO-shrimp!"
He was curious as to why white guys were shaving their heads. It looks great on black guys, ridculous on white guys...."If they wanted no hair" he said, "do what I did...WAIT!
He ws asked what he thought about the DOPE problem, his answer was "I think we definitely have TOO MANY DOPES!!
Even though I met him, the only time I ever worked with him was as a musician. Never when I was doing my comedy writing!
Our loss, is heavens gain! Make 'em laugh George!
You'll be missed!
Bob
At the end of a hectic day my family likes to eat our dinner together in the living room and watch the news and or Jeopardy. Then while chomping on our food, this chia-faced guy with a LEE press-on beard and a boom-box mouth bursts into our living room screaming..."HI, I'M BILLY MAY AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT KABOOM!" It so startles us that peas come shooting out of our mouths...the cat shoots up off the floor inflated like a furry blowfish and it sets off the alarm in my car that's parked in the garage....This is the same guy who in another commercial, puts fish hooks in the wall and shows you how to hang pictures from them! I don't know how to break it to ya Billy...You don't have to shout..YOU GOT THE JOB! By the time the commercial is over there isn't a dry pair of pants in the house! And as if it isn't enough to put up with the music on the elevator...now you have a six hundred pound gorilla trying to sell you a retirement plan ON that elevator! Don't even get me started on that annoying "AFLAC DUCK!" trying to sell you insurance. His competition?? an upright GECKO with an austrailian accent also trying to sell you insurance followed by those so easy a caveman can do it guys! What is this "ANIMAL PLANET??" HAVE YOU MET ME?? Send me an agent who doesn't need his cage or cave cleaned out twice a day wearing an off the rack suit...Him I can deal with! I must admit that I do on occasion miss the Taco-Bell chihuahua! But come on guys... let's put the KABASH ON THE KABOOM!!! KAY???
I'm not one to watch award shows, even though I judged "THE CABLE ACE AWARDS" for a couple of years. At no time during that orientation was I asked to judge what the nominees were going to wear on award night. Actors, and show people in general, work very hard and put in many hours to try and bring you great entertainment. So when they are nominated for an Oscar, a Tony or an Emmy, it's an opportunity for us to show appreciation for their work.....NOT for how they dress in public, but for their WORK!! And work it is. And let's not forget the years it took them to get there! In most cases when the envelope is opened and their names are announced...it comes as a total shock to them. They may babble their acceptance speeches, probably because they didn't think they'd win...and even if they did, actors read from scripts...they're told what to say...so they babble a little...they're excited...SO WHAT!! Cut them some slack for cryin' out loud. Let them enjoy the moment. What do you want the Academy to do, install SKEET-SPRINGS at the podium and when they run over, yell “PULL”?!?! Yeah, I know it drags a little and maybe they should teach Acceptance 101 at acting school, but until they do let them enjoy!
Now the one thing I REALLY don't like are the criticisms on what they're wearing! WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR TALENT???? "Oh this one didn't look good in that dress!” and “Did you see those hideous shoes???” Just when the heck did this become SHOE BUSINESS?!?!? The next day, when you pick up the paper or watch the news, it's "WHO WORE WHAT" instead of "WHO WON WHAT"! Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great vehicle for designers to showcase their stuff, but remember most of those winners would look good even in gunny-sacks! I think that they are ALL beautiful! Again, to all you Fashionistas, YOU should look so good!
Have you ever tried opening anything with those plastic seals? Batteries, beverages, faucets, new door knobs, DVD’s or that great CD you just bought that you can’t wait to hear. You run home, rip open the bag and attempt to open your prize. Then you find yourself rolling around on the floor trying to get at it! You try scissors, knives, razor blades and end up gnawing on it with your teeth…but to no avail. I WANT MY MUSIC!!
And the list of such items is endless. Cereal boxes, cat food boxes, cat litter boxes…Just pull this easy opening tab!!! There’s nothing easy opening about it!! You pull the tab, and get about a third of the way and it tears off. So you dig your finger under it and try to pry it open, thus completely screwing up the re-closable tab, leading to geeking and cannibalizing the box…not to mention the numerous paper cuts you receive.
Your online gift arrives, and the box is all banged up and crushed. You’re anxious to open it and check for damages, but try as you may, you can’t. You claw, you bite, you pull…but nothing short of power tools and the JAWS OF LIFE can get through that plastic tape and help you to succeed!!
PEOPLE… if we can’t get at them, we can’t use them. DO THE MATH!! You package them safely so nothing can damage them, or get at them. So here’s a flash…that doesn’t include us!!! We buy these products because we want them, and if we can’t get at them, we CAN’T USE THEM!!! Pay attention, manufacturers! Do you have a filter missing or something?? Plastic packaging it the DEVIL’S TOOL!!
This blog is over because I have to gather all of our outdoor furniture, umbrellas and stuff from around the pool, garden, back patio and store it for the winter.
This year, because we ran out of room in our garage, I’ve hired a service that comes to your house, piles everything in one place, and SHRINK WRAPS IT IN PLASTIC!! OOPS!!! I don’t think I was supposed to tell you that!! (DELETE, DELETE) J
Don’t get me started on CELL PHONES! Years ago I was one of the first to get one. I thought it was great. Still do. For business and safety reasons I think everyone should have one. I have two! BUT I don’t abuse them.
When I get a call, I find a secluded spot and continue my conversation in a NORMAL phone voice and volume. I don’t want to annoy people, or share my business with anyone else! My business is none of their business!!
When YOU get a call on your cell phone, we can ALL hear you! They’re CELL PHONES, not BULL-HORNS! PEOPLE…keep your business to yourself! I have my own problems. I don’t need to be HEARING YOURS!! When you get a call at home, you don’t open your windows and SHOUT as loud as you can so that you neighbors can listen in, do you?
And why do you feel the need to constantly USE your cells in malls, on sidewalks, on trains and worst of all while DRIVING in your CAR!! Here’s a flash…you’re not supposed to stop in the middle of the road, every time you change a thought! Look in your rearview mirror you’re HOLDING UP TRAFFIC!! Plus…IT’S ILLEGAL!! FYI…there are pocket devises WE can buy to jam your cell phones. We shouldn’t need them. Have some consideration for others. If not, I’LL JAM YOUR CELL PHONES FOR YA!!!
