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One of my favorite forms of entertainment is shopping. I just found out that my wife DOESN’T like to shop! She’s got a closet full of shoes that says otherwise. It’s like I’m married to a centipede! THE WOMAN HAS SHOES!!!
So if you have all of these shoes and you don’t like shopping, where are they coming from, elves?? Geppetto?? She says, “Duh! I shop on line. I don’t like malls, they’re much too crowded!” I said, “You could’ve fooled me.” It turns out that after all these years, I’m the one who likes to shop at malls! She’s just tagging along!! I said, “Crowds never bother me!” She said, “It’s no wonder! Look at you... you’re built like a room divider! You just plow through them, or they see you coming and they move out of the way!”
Let me tell you something… the minute we enter a mall, she makes a bee-line to the shoe stores! Knowing that I don’t like to go in them, she hands me her bag (but not before taking out her credit cards!) and goes in. Now the first time she left me HOLDING THE BAG, I felt sort’a self-conscious, until I noticed other guys standing around holding handbags, too. At first I didn’t make eye contact, but what the heck… we all seemed to have something in common and before you know it we’re not only talking, but we begin comparing our wives handbags. “Is that leather??” “No, it’s pleather!” “Really! It sure looks like leather”. Pretty soon we’ll be trading recipes! Look at this..male bonding over ladies accessories! What’s next, showing each other our operation scars??And another thing…so how come if she doesn’t like malls, she has her own rating system?? She rates each mall by the number of shoe stores they have. Okay, can somebody explain this to me?? To phrase it like Seinfeld….”WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE SHOES?? You only have two feet!! I have two pairs of sneakers, two pairs of dress shoes, and two pairs of boots and have to put them under the bed because she’s confiscated my part of the closet and turned it into a SHOE CONDO!! Do the math honey, all those shoes and only two feet! I don’t think that I’ve married an Alien.
Ladies, listen to BIG Bad Bob..PULEEZE! If you’re trying to impress your men……The last thing in the world we’re looking at IS YOUR FEET!!!
THANKS FOR ALL THE LAUGHS GEORGE!! Jun 23, 2008 I woke up this morning to the terrible news of the passing of George Carlin. This man was, and still is one of my inspirations to write comedy. I know some of you didn't like the seven words you can't use bit that he did, but he was MUCH MORE THAN THAT! He was a trailblazer and courageous in comedy. Some of you might not know that he abandonded his traditional slick stand up that he did in clubs and Vegas, and took a leap into a new form of comedy that appealed to the younger, hipper rock and roll set! Off came the suit and tie, tuxedo and on on went the t-shirt and jeans. It was risky, but he made it happen big time!!
Before he made his conversion, even his earliler routines were classics...."The Hippy-Dippy Weatherman" for one, but that wasn't enough for him. He definitely wanted to push the envelope! He did, and we're better for it!
He was a thinking man's comic. He showed the world that it takes brains to do comedy. His oxymoron bit, was a classic..."JUMBO-shrimp!"
He was curious as to why white guys were shaving their heads. It looks great on black guys, ridculous on white guys...."If they wanted no hair" he said, "do what I did...WAIT!
He ws asked what he thought about the DOPE problem, his answer was "I think we definitely have TOO MANY DOPES!!
Even though I met him, the only time I ever worked with him was as a musician. Never when I was doing my comedy writing!
Our loss, is heavens gain! Make 'em laugh George!
You'll be missed!
Bob
At the end of a hectic day my family likes to eat our dinner together in the living room and watch the news and or Jeopardy. Then while chomping on our food, this chia-faced guy with a LEE press-on beard and a boom-box mouth bursts into our living room screaming..."HI, I'M BILLY MAY AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT KABOOM!" It so startles us that peas come shooting out of our mouths...the cat shoots up off the floor inflated like a furry blowfish and it sets off the alarm in my car that's parked in the garage....This is the same guy who in another commercial, puts fish hooks in the wall and shows you how to hang pictures from them! I don't know how to break it to ya Billy...You don't have to shout..YOU GOT THE JOB! By the time the commercial is over there isn't a dry pair of pants in the house! And as if it isn't enough to put up with the music on the elevator...now you have a six hundred pound gorilla trying to sell you a retirement plan ON that elevator! Don't even get me started on that annoying "AFLAC DUCK!" trying to sell you insurance. His competition?? an upright GECKO with an austrailian accent also trying to sell you insurance followed by those so easy a caveman can do it guys! What is this "ANIMAL PLANET??" HAVE YOU MET ME?? Send me an agent who doesn't need his cage or cave cleaned out twice a day wearing an off the rack suit...Him I can deal with! I must admit that I do on occasion miss the Taco-Bell chihuahua! But come on guys... let's put the KABASH ON THE KABOOM!!! KAY???
I'm not one to watch award shows, even though I judged "THE CABLE ACE AWARDS" for a couple of years. At no time during that orientation was I asked to judge what the nominees were going to wear on award night. Actors, and show people in general, work very hard and put in many hours to try and bring you great entertainment. So when they are nominated for an Oscar, a Tony or an Emmy, it's an opportunity for us to show appreciation for their work.....NOT for how they dress in public, but for their WORK!! And work it is. And let's not forget the years it took them to get there! In most cases when the envelope is opened and their names are announced...it comes as a total shock to them. They may babble their acceptance speeches, probably because they didn't think they'd win...and even if they did, actors read from scripts...they're told what to say...so they babble a little...they're excited...SO WHAT!! Cut them some slack for cryin' out loud. Let them enjoy the moment. What do you want the Academy to do, install SKEET-SPRINGS at the podium and when they run over, yell “PULL”?!?! Yeah, I know it drags a little and maybe they should teach Acceptance 101 at acting school, but until they do let them enjoy!
Now the one thing I REALLY don't like are the criticisms on what they're wearing! WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR TALENT???? "Oh this one didn't look good in that dress!” and “Did you see those hideous shoes???” Just when the heck did this become SHOE BUSINESS?!?!? The next day, when you pick up the paper or watch the news, it's "WHO WORE WHAT" instead of "WHO WON WHAT"! Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great vehicle for designers to showcase their stuff, but remember most of those winners would look good even in gunny-sacks! I think that they are ALL beautiful! Again, to all you Fashionistas, YOU should look so good!
A couple of years ago, ."REALITY TELEVISION" hit the scene. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? AND people bought into it!. What's up with that????
At the end of the day I turn on the TV to escape reality, not to enter into someone else’s!! I want sports, dramas, sitcoms, politics....You know.."FICTION"...Not REALITY!! I don't need to see some apparently "abnormals" sucking on scorpions or slugs, WHILE I'M EATING YET! I also don't need to see them sleeping in make-shift tents! If I wanted that I would've stayed in the Boy Scouts! They consider themselves fortunate if they catch a snake. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I see a snake......I'm outa there. Then not only do they cook it...they EAT IT! What's up with that! I know they say that snakes taste like chicken!.... NO.....CHICKEN TASTES LIKE CHICKEN! That's why they call it CHICKEN!!! SNAKE tastes like "SNAKE"...Do the math!
Just give me some good old fashioned fiction. Okay CSI, Bones, Crossing Jordan, cutting peoples heads open and playing with their brains, I can sorta tolerate that....cause it's not real..it's Fiction....(At least I hope it's fiction) Yuck! Those shows are a form of escapism. All the other shows: The Big Race, Big Brother, the so called "TALENT" shows, reality shows in general...JUST TOO MANY!! I do have to admit that AMERICAN IDOL gives a platform to some really talented people and produced Rueben and others, not to forget super stars Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. That was a good thing, but I found the remarks and criticisms made by "Simon CRUEL" TO BE MEAN AND UNNECESSARY! These are things you say to people behind closed doors. Not for public embarrassment! Sadly, a lot of people were watching to see these performers fall on their faces, instead of how good they were. How sad. The real casualties however are all of the talented performers, writers, directors, waiting in the wings to mount some new shows, but it's cheaper and I do mean cheaper to produce reality shows.
To me it's like a low budget cowboy movie, where you use real bullets and only have to pay the survivors! So what's the next move "SPIN-OFFS?" The Food Network's "COOKING CRICKETS WITH CARL!".....Or how about The Game channel's LET'S TAKE A CHANCE....Where members of the audience are forced to eat wild mushrooms without knowing if they're poisonous. The winners get to rummage through the losers pockets and keep what they find.....Then they spin the wheel to see who has to bury them in the parking lot! And the Discovery Channel showing several ways that you can make HAIR GEL out of WILD MOOSE slobber. As Rachael would say....."YUMM-O!"
There was a time when, if bands wanted to make it in the music business, they worked hard on creating their own original music in the hopes of gaining interest from the record companies. You had to if you wanted to have a record...and a career in music! It was the only game in town....but not anymore! BUT NOT ANY MORE!! What happened?? Computers, that's what happened... the "Internet". Before the internet, record companies would send out their scouts looking for fresh new talent and when they found you, they'd sell you a bill of goods, saying things like they love your sound! If you sign with them, they'll make you the next Stones, Beatles, Aerosmith..etc. And you'd be thinking..we don't want to be them... we want to be"US"! But you didn't want to say it out loud, for fear that you might queer the deal. So you'd trust them..and ALL along they're telling you how great you are...Then you'd get into the studio and one of the first things the producer did was to change your music around to suit him! But when you're new you don't say anything because you don't wanna "QUEER THE DEAL"! So you wound up with product that sometimes didn't come close to resembling your style, but you shut up and didn't say anything because you're new and you don't want to "QUEER THE DEAL"!! They'd release your recording, give it a little promotion and if the thing didn't take off right away... they'd back off and let it die a slow death... What happened to all those promises? I listened to you and signed away our songs... I was a good little indian and didn't speak up when I should have...and some how, the DEAL GOT QUEERED!! Now, thanks to the internet, bands are able to build a following and take charge of their OWN business. They can burn their own cd's, do their own art work or hire someone to do it for them, take control of their own destiny and market themselves online. They've created an important arm of the music industry called "INDIES"!!! Independant groups, performers and even movies! If you did the research you'd proably be shocked at how many of your favorite groups are "Indies"! Their music gets played on online Podcasts, can be downloaded, for a price, from their own websites....and eventually sold in record stores... Great isn't it?? Nowadays, since bands have to supply their own followers and fans to play out, they have a built in audience... Cool huh? So in many ways they are in control of their own fate...AT LAST!! And don't steal their music...pay for the download! They worked hard and deserve their just due. If this is news to you, and you'd like to hear an example of an "indie" podcast....try www.clickcaster.com/jammnjay ...who in my not-so-humble opinion has one of the best eclectic mixes from across the country and around the world. Check it OUT!!
Have you ever tried opening anything with those plastic seals? Batteries, beverages, faucets, new door knobs, DVD’s or that great CD you just bought that you can’t wait to hear. You run home, rip open the bag and attempt to open your prize. Then you find yourself rolling around on the floor trying to get at it! You try scissors, knives, razor blades and end up gnawing on it with your teeth…but to no avail. I WANT MY MUSIC!!
And the list of such items is endless. Cereal boxes, cat food boxes, cat litter boxes…Just pull this easy opening tab!!! There’s nothing easy opening about it!! You pull the tab, and get about a third of the way and it tears off. So you dig your finger under it and try to pry it open, thus completely screwing up the re-closable tab, leading to geeking and cannibalizing the box…not to mention the numerous paper cuts you receive.
Your online gift arrives, and the box is all banged up and crushed. You’re anxious to open it and check for damages, but try as you may, you can’t. You claw, you bite, you pull…but nothing short of power tools and the JAWS OF LIFE can get through that plastic tape and help you to succeed!!
PEOPLE… if we can’t get at them, we can’t use them. DO THE MATH!! You package them safely so nothing can damage them, or get at them. So here’s a flash…that doesn’t include us!!! We buy these products because we want them, and if we can’t get at them, we CAN’T USE THEM!!! Pay attention, manufacturers! Do you have a filter missing or something?? Plastic packaging it the DEVIL’S TOOL!!
This blog is over because I have to gather all of our outdoor furniture, umbrellas and stuff from around the pool, garden, back patio and store it for the winter.
This year, because we ran out of room in our garage, I’ve hired a service that comes to your house, piles everything in one place, and SHRINK WRAPS IT IN PLASTIC!! OOPS!!! I don’t think I was supposed to tell you that!! (DELETE, DELETE) J
Don’t get me started on CELL PHONES! Years ago I was one of the first to get one. I thought it was great. Still do. For business and safety reasons I think everyone should have one. I have two! BUT I don’t abuse them.
When I get a call, I find a secluded spot and continue my conversation in a NORMAL phone voice and volume. I don’t want to annoy people, or share my business with anyone else! My business is none of their business!!
When YOU get a call on your cell phone, we can ALL hear you! They’re CELL PHONES, not BULL-HORNS! PEOPLE…keep your business to yourself! I have my own problems. I don’t need to be HEARING YOURS!! When you get a call at home, you don’t open your windows and SHOUT as loud as you can so that you neighbors can listen in, do you?
And why do you feel the need to constantly USE your cells in malls, on sidewalks, on trains and worst of all while DRIVING in your CAR!! Here’s a flash…you’re not supposed to stop in the middle of the road, every time you change a thought! Look in your rearview mirror you’re HOLDING UP TRAFFIC!! Plus…IT’S ILLEGAL!! FYI…there are pocket devises WE can buy to jam your cell phones. We shouldn’t need them. Have some consideration for others. If not, I’LL JAM YOUR CELL PHONES FOR YA!!!
